My Advice to Tunisia’s Next President:

There are three men who might be the next President of Tunisia. I am more than a tiny bit upset about who they are. I say three rather than two since one of them is in prison and there is always the possibility of him being disqualified which would advance the candidate who got the third highest number of votes to the final round of voting in his place.

I want to maintain my sense of humor about the situation even though it is deadly serious. In that spirit I offer the following advice to Kais Saied, Nabil Karoui, and Abdelfattah Mourou.

Kais Saied, if you want to claim to be “modern” or “moderate” stop opposing inheritance equality between men and women, supporting punishing unmarried couples for showing affection in public and referring to homosexuality as a foreign conspiracy you must “protect” Islam from. Introducing such primitive policy positions into a “modern” political dialogue is the equivalent of bringing a bow and arrow to a nuclear arms race. In other words, these positions make you look like an unevolved caveman.

However, if you insist on fighting homosexuality, I suggest you not worry as much about foreigners renting houses in Tunisia where they engage in being homosexuals, but focus a bit on some very gay things in Tunisian culture instead starting with these all male cafes. Seriously, what could be more gay than a bunch of men spending all day in a drinking establishment surrounded by other men and no women, smoking faggot after faggot while drinking fancy little espresso drinks out of tiny dainty glasses while gossiping like housewives and watching young fit men in tight shorts play with balls on TV, shouting in ecstasy each time one of them “scores”? Also back home in the USA if a man is riding on the back of another man’s motorcycle, the guy on the back is usually bottoming for the guy up front…also homophobes like you usually turn out to be secretly gay or bi. Good luck keeping it on the down low as President.

On the issue of the sexual assault law you support that would criminalize public displays of affection between unmarried people, my advice is that you focus more on how cowardly men are too afraid to stand up to other men who treat women like property rather than worry about whether some teenagers are kissing at the beach.

I also suggest you use your famously droning and robotic way of speaking during diplomatic negotiations to breakdown foreign leaders. I am sure the IMF would renegotiate Tunisia’s loans at a lower interest rate just to get you to stop talking.

Finally, I like your idea of creating a process by which Tunisians can recall their elected officials when they disapprove of their job performance. Perhaps they will try it out on you.

Nabil Karoui, whether you win or lose, in court or at the ballot box, you should really bring home all of the money you have stashed away in foreign accounts and pay your fair share of taxes and then be an advocate for making sure that money is spent on the public healthcare system, public education, infrastructure, public transportation, economic development and other government programs that will help Tunisia’s poor to permanently escape poverty rather than to barely survive it with the occasional help of rich philanthropists such as yourself.

Secondly, if you beat the charges and win the election, please show Persepolis on Nessma and Tunisian national TV during Ramadan.

Finally I have the following advice for Abdelfattah Mourou, who will be in the running if Karoui is disqualified. You look better in the traditional Tunisian attire, so ditch the suit. You should use your traditional Tunisian garments to the advantage of the Tunisian tourism industry. You would make an excellent mascot for Tunisia’s hotels and resorts and there should be a waving statue of you at the airport welcoming visitors from abroad.

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